CHAPTER 2

Dr. Wilber Fisk, who was a familiar guest at the home of the Redfields now began to take a great interest in this young worker, and suggested to his parents that he be sent to the Wilbraham Academy. The young man saw that the old subject of preaching was at the bottom of this; and that the course he was even then pursuing would lead him into that work sooner or later. Then all his old abhorrence and dread of that calling revived, and he resolved to quit the field at once. He says, “I had such views of the awful responsibility of a Christian minister that I dared not undertake it without the most positive evidence of my call. If I could have had that I would not have stopped to confer with flesh and blood. I felt, as it seems to me, like a man ignorant of navigation would feel if sent to take charge of a vessel freighted with human life, and liable to run into danger, not knowing when or where. This sense of responsibility was to me overwhelming.”

This feeling never left him. Even in the days of his greatest success and pulpit power, he has been known to be unable to eat his breakfast when he was to preach in the morning; and he usually did not partake of supper until after preaching at night. The reader will see more and more how this feeling evoked his rebellion against God, and was the occasion of the most terrific mental sufferings. If his friends could have foreseen the fearful results of their anxiety and haste in reference to this matter, probably they would have taken a different course. How often is the same mistake made with the young and inexperienced!

In the state of mind which has just been described, he returned home; but his peace and power with God were greatly diminished. He began to try to settle the question by mere reasoning. His youth, his limited knowledge his want of means for acquiring knowledge, and his sense of the weakness of all human effort, took on an importance in his consideration of the matter which, for the time, overshadowed the promises of help held out in the Bible. His Christian friends still unwisely beset him with their impressions of what his duty was. He says, “My own earlier impressions and those of my mother and the talks I had from time to time with Dr. Fisk, made me perfectly miserable. I think it was these influences, at this time, more than the voice of God, that caused it. My whole nature shrunk from occupying a position so sacred as that of the Christian ministry. Without the sanction of God, to me it was sacrilege. I now reasoned that my first impressions in this matter were the result of the influence of others upon me, and resolved to go among strangers, that I might be beyond the reach of this influence; and, further, so to commit myself by contract to the service of another, and he a stranger, as to make it impossible for me to engage in religious work. It seemed to me that I might, at least for a time, in this way secure a settled state of mind.”

The gentleman whom he sought was an artist by profession, and noted for his proficiency. Without giving his reasons, young Redfield obtained the consent of his father to go, but hid the matter from his mother.

He started on his journey, and when beyond the limits of his acquaintance was thankful to feel secure from the besetments of other people’s impressions. He called at the home of a minister to leave a letter that had been committed to his care. The minister was away, but his wife was at home. As he handed her the letter she looked him in the face and said “Tell me, are you not running away from God?”

To this he replied: “I think, madam, that some one has been writing to you concerning me.”

“O,” she replied, “I never saw or heard of you before; but as soon a I saw you I was impress that you were run away from your duty.” She then asked: “Will you please bring me a pail of water from the spring?” He could not well refuse to do this, but when it was done she asked him to cut her some wood. Before he was through with this this an old man came into the yard, attended by a girl. He had seen in the house when he first came. He was now invited into the house and introduced to the old man, who, he found, was a minister of the gospel. Now he saw that the woman had detained him purposely until this man could be brought. The minister was introduced as Father Liscomb. The old man informed young Redfield that he was holding a revival meeting in a little hamlet a short distance away, and desired him to go and see the young converts. To avoid any talk on the subject of duty he instantly said, “I will go,” but he secretly determined to leave the old gentleman at the first convenient opportunity.

They soon started away together, and as they walked along he inquired the way, and the distance to W_____, his place of destination. This was given him, and they walked on until they came to a house. The old man knocked at the door, and was bidden to come in. As he passed in, young Redfield turned and ran towards some woods that lay between him and the place he desired to reach. It was a beautiful afternoon in September, the sun was about two hours high, and it was only five miles to W_____, by the woods road. About eighty rods brought him to the woods, and he entered them with congratulations at his nice escape. He lost his way and wandered about until night came on. His experience on this occasion is best related in his own words.

He says: “I could not tell East from West, nor North from South. Soon I was wading in mud and water, stumbling over logs and running against trees, scaring up squirrels and wild creatures until I seemed to be surrounded with animals and reptiles which I could hear but not see. I at last felt I was contending with a power that was stronger than myself. My fears were so greatly aroused that I promised God if he would lead me out of the dreadful place I would take any course he might direct. In a moment I felt a gentle pull no stronger than a hair leading me, but I could not tell the direction. Soon I perceived I was out of the woods. I followed that leading until I found myself against a fence. I got over, crossing several fields and climbed as many fences, until I perceived by the feeling of my feet that I was in a road. While stopping to ascertain my whereabouts, I saw a light in a window a short distance away, and it proved to be at the very house where I met the old minister. The thought came a moment, if I return to the house the lady will only distress me by pressing upon me her convictions of what my duty is, and that I cannot bear. The next thought was, this is the direct road to W_____, and it is only seven miles there. There is now no fear of my getting lost, for the fences will guide me, and possibly by morning I may reach the place. By going tonight I shall avoid any further annoyance from the preacher’s wife. As I turned to go I saw the woman in the road as plainly as I had seen her the day before in the house. I asked, “Mrs. B_____, what time of night is it?” But she gave me no answer. Again, I asked, “Did you feel alarmed at my absence? and have you come out to look for me?’ Still she did not answer me. I then told her I had been lost, and was just out of my dilemma. I also told her that I desired she would say no more to me of duty, for I was too agitated to hear it. Yet she did not speak, and I thought, she is trying to frighten me into obedience to her opinion of what is my duty. I then said to her, “You will not frighten me for I am resolved never to preach until I am positive that God says, Go. I am going this night to W_____; so goodnight.” As I started she stepped in front of me. I turned to pass by her, and she stepped in front of me again. Again endeavored to pass by her, but again she stepped in front of me. I then said, “Madam, I thought you were a professor. “What will your neighbors think when they find your conducting yourself in this manner?”! Still I got no response from her. “You need not think to crowd me off the course you think I ought to go, by tricks of this kind,” I continued. Still she was silent. I was then seized with such fear that I turned and ran to the house; and as I entered, she sat there as if waiting for me. She immediately said, “I expected you would come back; for I prayed God to put my image before you as the angel appeared before Balaam.” “Well I thought it was you,” I said, and with this one sentence I exposed all the facts.

“On looking I found it was twelve o’clock. I asked her for a place of rest for the remainder of the night. She gave me a light and told me where to find a room. I now resolved to get up and be off for W_____ before she could have a chance to annoy me in the morning. Notwithstanding the remarkable character of this experience, it seemed to me I was enduring great hardship.

“I arose early as I had determined, but when I stepped into the sitting-room, which it was necessary for me to pass through, there she sat in a chair. I spoke first, and said, “Don’t say a word to me about duty, for I am resolved that no human influence shall determine my course. I shall go to W_____ today. I dare not allow myself to be prevailed upon to take so fearful a position as that of a gospel minister. So good morning.”

“On attempting to open the outside door, I felt the force of a hand on the latch outside. I stepped back, and when the door opened, there stood a man, who, putting his hand upon my head, said to me, “Stop, Jonah! for you are running away from God.”

“Said I, “You are in the secret, too! are you?”

“I never saw or heard of you before this moment,” he replied. “I live four miles from here I am not a believer in dreams, but I had one last night, in which I was told to come to this house and here I would find a young man who was trying to run away from God. And I was told to tell you to go and preach the gospel or you would be damned.

“I have come four miles to stop you.” “But I broke away and went on my journey.

“I found the artist. He was willing to enter into a contract with me, but while I was talking with him, I was again seized with such fear, and with such a sense of guilt, that I dared not say a word more. I went out and left the place, nor dared look back until sure that I was out of sight of the town.”