CHAPTER XXXII.

How his sufferings once brought him nigh to death.

IT happened to him once during many nights, that the moment he awoke from sleep something began to repeat in him the psalm of our Lord’s sufferings, “Deus, Deus meus, respice in me” (Ps. xxi.). This psalm was spoken by Christ on the gallows of the cross, when He was forsaken in His distress by His Heavenly Father and by every one. The Servitor was struck with consternation at this continual interior whispering when he awoke, and weeping bitterly, he cried to Christ upon the cross in these words:—Alas, my Lord and my God! if it be meet and necessary that I should once more suffer a new crucifixion with Thee, accomplish, I beseech Thee, Thy pure and innocent death in me, poor man, and be with me, and help me to come forth victorious over all my sufferings.

When this cross arrived, as had been foreshown him, sufferings of no ordinary kind, and of whose nature nothing is here said, began to increase continually upon him, and to multiply from day to day, until at last they became 142so great, and weighed down the sick man so heavily, that they brought him to the very extremity of death. One evening when he was away from the monastery, and had gone to his bed to rest, there fell on him such an utter prostration of strength, that he thought he must now inevitably die of faintness, and he lay there quite motionless, so that there was no pulse in any of his veins. When this was observed by a faithful and good-hearted man who tended him, and whom he had won to God at great cost to himself, the man ran to him in bitter grief, and pressed his hand against his heart, to try whether there was still life there. But his heart was without movement, and beat no more than that of a dead man would. At this he sank to the ground in great sorrow, and while the tears streamed down his face, he cried aloud with piteous lamentations:—O God! alas for this noble heart, which many a day has borne Thee, O merciful God, so lovingly within it, and has told of Thee so pleasantly by word and writing, in every land, to so many erring men for their consolation—how has it perished to-day! O what evil tidings is it that this noble heart must rot, and cannot live a long time yet for Thy glory and the consolation of many! Thus 143piteously lamenting with streaming eyes, he bent over the Servitor and touched his heart and mouth and arms, to see whether he still lived or was dead. But there was no motion there. His face was deadly white, his mouth black, and all sign of life had vanished, as from a dead man laid out upon his bier. This lasted as long as it would take to walk a mile. Mean while the object of his soul’s contemplation, while he lay thus in seeming death, was naught else but God and the Godhead, the True and the Truth, in indwelling everlasting oneness. It happened, indeed, that before he became so very weak, and was carried out of himself in ecstasy, he began to speak in his heart fond words to God in this wise:—Ah, everlasting Truth, Thy deep abysses are hidden from every creature. I, Thy poor Servitor, see clearly that there is now an end of me, as my departed strength be tokens. I speak now at my life’s verge to Thee, mighty Lord, whom no one can deceive, because all things are manifest to Thee. Thou alone knowest how things stand between me and Thee. Therefore I seek grace of Thee, faithful heavenly Father; and wheresoever, alas, I have broken out into unlikeness and deflection from the supreme Truth, I grieve for it, and repent me of it with 144all my heart, and I beseech Thee to blot it out with Thy precious Blood, according to Thy graciousness and my necessity. Remember that all the days of my life I have celebrated and exalted as highly as I could Thy pure and innocent Blood, and it must now at my departure wash me clean from all my sins. Oh, kneel down, I entreat you, all ye Saints, especially thou, my kind and gracious lord, St. Nicholas, and lift up your hands and help me to beseech the Lord for a good end. O pure, gentle, kind Mother Mary! reach me thy hand to-day, and at this my last hour graciously receive my soul beneath thy shelter, for thou art my heart’s joy and consolation. O Lady and Mother mine, into thy hands I commend my spirit. O dear Angels, be mindful that, all my life through, my heart has ever laughed within me, when I only heard you named, and forget not how often you have brought me in my sorrows heavenly joys, and guarded me from my foes. O gentle Spirits, it is only now that my greatest straits are come, and that I most need your help. Aid me, then, and shield me from the horrible sight of my foes, the evil spirits. O Lord of heaven, I praise Thee for having bestowed on me at my death-hour such entire consciousness; and I go 145hence in the full Christian faith without a doubt and without fear; and I forgive all those who have ever made me suffer, as Thou upon the cross forgavest those who slew Thee. Lord, Lord, Thy divine sacramental Body, which I received to-day at Mass, ill though I was, must be my guardian and my convoy to Thy divine countenance. My last prayer which I make now at this my end, gentle Lord of heaven, is for my dear spiritual children, who whether by special bonds of faithfulness, or by confession, have lovingly attached themselves to me in this miserable world. O merciful God, as Thou at Thy departure didst commend Thy dear disciples to Thy Heavenly Father, even so in that self-same love let these be commended to Thee, and grant them also a good and holy end. And now I turn myself away altogether from all creatures, and I turn me wholly to the pure Godhead, the primal fountain-head of everlasting bliss.

After he had held much discourse within his heart in this fond loving fashion, he was trans ported out of himself in ecstasy, and fell into the faint described above. At length, when he and others fancied that he must have departed, he came to himself again, and his affrighted heart began to revive, and his sick limbs to recover 146strength, and he got well and returned to life again, as before.